In April of 2017 I left a studio that I had been the director of for over ten years. It took me years to build up the courage to leave. The environment had turned toxic. Acts of infidelity, betrayal, substance abuse and dishonesty destroyed a community and studio I loved. Yoga was only present in name.
Somehow this was not an easy exit. I had to wrestle myself on the way out the door, admitting that I had betrayed myself out of loyalty to another and foolishly hoped that it would get better. As the integrity of the space disappeared, I allowed my own integrity to be diminished by staying in that environment. The result: a loss of personal power, and an inability access my own energy. I was the frog in the boiling water who did not realize how hot it had gotten before I finally got myself out.
How many of us have found ourselves in unhealthy situations and wondered how did it get so bad without me realizing it? Then we find ourselves paralyzed, unable to leave out of fear, guilt and grief about losing what is comfortable regardless of how painful it is to stay. It takes awareness to recognize when a situation requires us to give it one more try or knowing when it is time to leave.
Our yoga practice teaches us self-awareness. We move our body in a way that clears stagnant energy and quiets our mental chatter. We learn to listen internally. Our bodies are constantly giving us feedback, but most of us are either disconnected from feeling it or intellectualize it away.
In the wake of my daughter’s death, my throat became my tell. I would feel as if I was being choked and could not breathe in certain situations or around people who could not be with my grief. The physical reaction was immediate and intense, and I made no excuses about leaving. I would just go.
I am grateful for this tell. I have learned to trust the physical cues my body gives me and the intuition I feel in my gut. I invite you in your practice to deepen your breath and listen to your body’s cues. If it says rest, listen. If it says move, move. Only you can know what is right for you and clarity will only come from you learning to listen to the cues your body is giving you. Truth then becomes something you know in your bones. And if you discover that you are a frog in the boiling water, jump out and set yourself free.
-Debi