August 22nd will be the sixth anniversary since my daughter Annaleigh passed from cancer. One of the hardest parts about losing someone close to you, whether it is to death or the loss of a primary relationship, is the brain’s capacity to make sense of what is happening. Our brains are hardwired to form attachments, and we keep track of those attachments by mapping out where they are in time, space and depth of relationship.
Try an exercise with me: close your eyes and think of someone very dear to you who is still alive. Notice the thoughts you have during this process.
Most likely you visualized where they are, seeing them in their location, this refers to space. Did you notice a feeling associated to your connection with them? This is depth of relationship. And lastly, did you think about when you spoke with them last or will next? This refers to time. This process in the brain is called neuro mapping, and it allows us to function throughout our day without being thrown into a panic that we may not see our loved ones again. For me, neuro mapping is like your own internal Find My Friends app.
If you have taken my specific class, you may have noticed I often begin class with a form of neuro mapping. With your eyes closed I invite you to visualize yourself on your mat in the studio, to imagine where the studio is located on Earth, what road you took to get there, where you placed your mat in relationship to the four walls and the people around you, and how you placed your body on your mat.
In the asana practice we work with a different type of neuro mapping: proprioception, your brains ability to know where every part of your body is in space without looking. This is our sixth sense and why we don’t use mirrors in yoga. We are training our brains with physical movement and mindfulness practice to map out where we are in time and space through depth of relationship to ourselves and our physical body.
For instance, when we transition from Down Dog to Warrior One, we can no longer see our back foot. With the cue “press the outer edge of your back foot into your mat” we are building sensory awareness and training our brains to map out what we can no longer see.
This work helps the grieving process. Our yoga practice has been teaching us to map out what or in this case who we can no longer see. Depending on your belief system your brain will eventually rewire itself to “locate” your loved one in a new location; a grave site, your image of heaven, a butterfly, or a tree planted in their honor. We even tell ourselves we will see them again, implying when we die, to remap our time relationship with them.
The emotion of losing Annaleigh is devastating. Waves of grief will still bring me to my knees, with physical pain felt deep in my bones and weight in my chest that makes it difficult to breathe. I find myself being pulled energetically towards her bedroom, yearning to hear her giggle. I remember rocking her to sleep in that room. I am filled with eighteen years of memories of her in that space and there is part of me that still hopes to find her there.
Understanding what is happening in my brain has helped me though the process of grief. The pain of losing someone you love is indescribable. Yoga has given me the tools to support and navigate this process and transform my ongoing relationship with Annaleigh. The depth of my relationship with her is as deep as it ever was, but it has taken on a different nature. Although I cannot physically touch her, I feel her in a way that is not possible with someone in the physical form. As for my brain, it is still catching up, creating a new neuro map that allows me to continue to connect with her.
-Debi Grilo